


Experience

by sevedra



Series: Innocence and Experience [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-14
Updated: 2006-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-11 10:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow-up to Innocence. This is the second part of my Snupin story. Set during Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. One chapter of described sex between two consenting men. This part is 10 chapters. Lupin's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. September

Remus Lupin was exhausted. He walked slowly toward the dais with the teacher table. He could feel every bone and every muscle in his body. It was always hard this soon after a full moon, but encountering that Dementor on the train had definitely not helped. He had finally seen Harry though. This whole trip to the school, this whole year ahead of him teaching, was worth it just for that. Harry looked exactly like James. It had almost physically hurt to see him. All the anguish of missing James and Lily, Peter, even Sirius, had welled up afresh. He thought he had put all that behind him.

Ah, Sirius. That was a pain he could have gone the rest of his life without revisiting. Seeing the Daily Prophet yesterday had been shocking. If Sirius had escaped prison, there was no doubt he’d be after Harry and really, little doubt he’d be after Remus himself. After all, if you’ve killed three of your four best friends, may as well finish out the set. _I cannot think about this right now._

Then, Remus looked up. Sitting at the teacher table, scowling of course, was Severus Snape. Remus reeled. He knew Severus was teaching, but it had been so many years since he’d actually seen him, he just wasn’t prepared. _Do I look as old as he does? I certainly feel as old as he looks._

Remus finally achieved the table’s edge and took his seat. Severus glanced at him several times through the evening. While Remus had hoped they would be able to talk, the looks from Severus were laced with venom. Snape glaring daggers all evening did not seem likely to lead to conversation. Dumbledore made his speech, Remus rose when he was introduced, the first years were sorted, and at last, _I can escape and sleep._

Remus lay in his bed and tried to think sleepy thoughts. All he could bring to mind were memories of sixth year, and especially of that first evening in the library.

Remus was startled to see Severus Snape at his table. James and Sirius hated Severus, and Severus hated all the Marauders. Why would he sit at Remus’ table? Maybe he didn’t know whose stuff that was. Remus carefully returned to his chair. He didn’t look at Severus. He took extra pains to shuffle his stuff so that it wouldn’t be in Snape’s way. He cleared his throat. 

_“Evening, Lupin.”_

_Did he just speak to me?_

_“Hello, Severus…er, Snape.” Painful pause. “What are you studying?”_

_“Just the Transfiguration. It isn’t too difficult. You?”_

_“Umm, actually, me too. I don’t usually have any trouble, but the theory behind transfiguring living things into inanimate objects is giving me a bit of trouble.” He stopped speaking abruptly, thinking maybe he had answered the question too thoroughly. Snape probably didn’t really want to know. Am I having a conversation with Snape?_

_The boys settled into silence. The quiet rustle of pages turning and the soft hissing of Remus practicing wording under his breath were all the noises made for the next forty minutes. As study hour drew to a close, Severus started packing his belongings back into his pack._

_“Good luck with that theory, Lupin.”_

_What? Did he speak to me again? What is going on here?_

_“Sure, Snape. Thanks.”_

_Remus felt thrown off balance. What was Severus up to?_

It was obvious from the first day of the term; Severus had never forgotten the incident in sixth year. 

“Do not make the mistake of thinking that Dumbledore’s misplaced trust in you is something I share. I am well aware of the fickle mindedness of the werewolf.”

Remus found himself on the receiving end of vitriol and anger every time he tried to speak with Severus. Severus glared and stared down his nose as if Remus were beneath his notice. 

“Good morning, Severus. Has your first week of classes been pleasant?”

“My morning is neither good nor any of your business. I would thank you not to speak to me unless it pertains to lessons.”

It was going to be a long year. Remus caught himself stealing glances at Severus during mealtimes. He sat near enough to him at the teacher table to get away with it. He remembered so many talks, so many laughs. He couldn't imagine that the laughing teenager had become this dour adult. Was it too late for them to be friends again? They had once been more than that. Remus couldn’t forget.


	2. October

Remus couldn’t stop thinking about Severus. They had once been so close. It was hard to believe that the bitter, angry man he saw everyday was the same boy with whom he had felt such a bond.

For years, Remus had regretted not telling Severus the truth before it could come out in the bad way it had. For a long time after the incident in the Shrieking Shack, Remus’ friendship with Sirius had been fragile. Sirius had not understood why Remus was so upset. Remus could not seem to explain it in a way that the other boy could grasp. In the aftermath of Halloween 1981, Remus had often wondered if Sirius’ true intent _had_ been to kill Severus. Maybe Sirius had a hidden evil underneath all along.

It was much more than just a prank to Remus. It was an event that almost made Remus a killer. He could have killed Severus, or turned him into a werewolf. Remus could not wish that curse on anyone. It was also the loss of something that had been more than friendship, if only for a moment. It was the loss of possibility. Remus could remember every detail of the first time he had shared a kiss with Severus, that Valentine’s Day when his world was still full of possibilities.

_They had met in the dark of the entrance hall. The music was slow and seemed to incite swaying. Without speaking, Remus touched Severus’ upper arm. Severus was a bit stiff, but he looked Remus straight in the eye and put one hand on Remus’ shoulder. That lifted his arm and Remus’ hand slid toward Severus’ shoulder, too. Remus almost stopped breathing when Severus placed his other hand on Remus’ waist. He couldn’t speak. Severus moved into Remus’ personal space and swayed slightly. Remus put his other hand on Severus’ other shoulder and leaned into Severus’ body. Remus’ lungs were starting to burn with lack of oxygen. He had never imagined being this close to a boy. He felt hot and cold at the same time. He leaned closer in to Severus, he could feel their legs touching and thought that they might be dancing. It wasn’t like any dancing he’d done before. It was more like a long slow slide against each other._

_Severus leaned in more and Remus responded in kind. Severus pressed his lips to Remus’ own. Severus had thin, warm lips. They were soft and dry. They were perfect. Then Severus pulled back and met Remus’ eye again. The song ended and they stepped apart. Their hands met as they slid them down one another’s arms. Remus slipped a note into Severus’ palm. Then he smiled and stepped away. Remus barely noticed his feet touching the floor as he returned to the party._

_‘I am thankful for your friendship’_

_Remus hoped it wasn’t too soppy. He had wanted so much to acknowledge how close he felt to Severus. Of course, Severus had just kissed him. The note wouldn’t be too sentimental after that._

*

Remus thought these staff meetings were tedious. He arrived, every other Thursday, very punctually and tried not to nod off while Dumbledore rambled and very little was accomplished. He noticed that no one seemed to want to sit beside Severus. He knew the man had become prickly to the point of dangerous, but really, Sprout was too obvious in her disdain. He’d been entering the room prior to Severus at each meeting thus far and he’d been unable to sit near him. Soon, Remus struck upon a plan. He started arriving to the mandatory meetings last. The seat next to Severus was always empty. Though Severus grimaced and leaned away, there really was nowhere else for Remus to sit. Perfect.

*  
“I can’t believe you brought the potion while I was in a meeting with Harry.”

“You didn’t have your door closed. How was I to know you were busy? If you are so concerned about what Potter might see or guess, you will have to come to the dungeons to retrieve your potion next month.”

Severus seemed to be pushing the boundaries of the promise to keep quiet that Dumbledore had exacted from him. Remus would just go to the dungeon to get the potion. It was inconvenient, but better than raising suspicions. As long as Severus kept brewing the potion, Remus thought a little inconvenience was worth it. Remus shuddered to think that without the Wolfsbane he ran the risk of another Shrieking Shack incident.


	3. November

“Severus, you cannot believe this!”

“Lupin, you were his closest friend. If he has been in the castle, it must have been with your help. No one else would have done it.”

“He betrayed us; Lily, James, Peter, me. He killed my closest friends. You cannot possibly think that I would let him in here. He would kill Harry! He might even kill me. I would never put the children at risk like that. Never.”

After Severus stormed away, Remus sat at his desk and held his head in his hands. Sirius had been in the castle. Sirius had attacked the Fat Lady’s portrait trying to gain admittance to the Gryffindor common room. The castle’s wards would have alerted Dumbledore if any wizard had crossed the border. Since no alarm had been raised, it could only mean that the intruder had been Padfoot. Remus couldn’t bring himself to tell the Headmaster that Sirius was an animagus. He still held a place in his heart for the promises they had made to each other. They had all promised not to tell. Sirius had betrayed James and Peter. Remus couldn’t break the only promise he still had to cling to. He couldn’t tell Dumbledore that he had broken the promises he’d made to him. Promising to keep his condition secret had been a good plan; keeping that big a secret from his dorm mates had proven impossible. Even if he hadn’t actually told them, them knowing at all had been a breach of his word.

*

Remus sighed as he made his way to the silence of his chambers. His steps felt heavier than usual. This full moon, Severus was teaching the Defense class in his place. Why couldn’t the moon have fallen on a day he didn’t have classes? Relying on Severus to brew the Wolfsbane was hard enough. Knowing that Severus was doing so much more for him this month made him feel old. Severus was still so bitter about the past. Remus tried, every single day, to talk to Severus. He tried to bridge the gap that years and anger had made between them. It didn’t feel like he was making any progress. He felt as distant from Severus now as he had that afternoon in the library.

_“Severus? Are you okay? I have been trying to talk to you for weeks.”_

_“I am fine, Lupin. Fine. I had no wish to speak with you.”_

_“I wanted to tell you Severus. I was so afraid. My parents and the Headmaster said it must remain a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone.”_

_“Your friends knew. They knew and I didn’t. I followed you because I knew you were meeting Black. You tried to attack me!”_

_“Severus, you can’t think I would ever have wanted that to happen?”_

_“I really don’t care whether you wanted it to happen. It did. You are a werewolf. A mangy, rabid beast AND a liar.”_

_“Beast? Well, I guess so. I had hoped you could understand. It isn’t like I asked to be a werewolf. And I never lied. I didn’t tell you…”_

_“A lie of omission is still a lie. I really have no desire to speak with you. I have to go.”_

_As Severus tried to leave, Remus reached for him. Severus pulled back his face showing fear and revulsion. Remus immediately removed his hand and backed away._

_“Do not touch me! Filthy cur! You have no right!”_

_Remus recoiled as if Severus had physically attacked him. He could not believe the amount of anger and hatred radiating from Severus. How could it be so different when so little time had passed?_

_“Sorry. I won’t bother you again.”_

_“See that you don’t.”_

 

*

“Severus, what are these essays from my third years about?”

“Werewolves, Lupin. I should think that obvious.”

“You assigned my class a _werewolf_ essay? Did you think that appropriate? They aren’t ready for werewolves in the curriculum. This bit of pettiness should be beneath you.”

“The children are too far behind in the lessons as it is, Lupin. What use is it teaching them about harmless creatures such as hinkypunks and grindylows? They need to be more prepared than that in this environment. With you as a teacher here, they need much better preparation.”

Remus sighed. It didn’t seem that he was making any progress in renewing the friendship he and Severus had shared. Every day, every week, every month just showed how much distance there was still between them. But he would not give up. He had lost all of his closest friends. Three were dead, one a criminal, Severus was still here, still alive, there had to be hope for change.


	4. December

Remus browsed through the potions section of the bookstore carefully. He was hesitant to spend much of his salary on gifts. He wasn’t at all sure he’d have this job again next year. He’d already been in the Quidditch shop and bought a gift for Harry. Having so few to buy for certainly helped him save his knuts. Severus had been on his mind so much lately. Try as he might, he couldn’t seem to break through the barrier of anger and resentment that Severus presented him with. Wandering back to the front of the shop, which he hadn’t actually searched yet, brought him upon a book that he thought would be perfect for Severus. He sighed heavily as he exited the store with his purchase shrunk and pocketed. Hopefully this wouldn’t provoke another argument.

*

The thought of going to the Dungeons to take the Wolfsbane was daunting. He would be on Severus’ ground. He would be approaching Severus and asking him for something. Knowing that Severus would have already brewed the potion and it would be ready and waiting did little to ease Remus’ mind. He knew Severus resented having to help him. Severus was only brewing the Wolfsbane because he didn’t want Remus to endanger the students. The scene that greeted him in the potions lab was the same as every month. Severus was at his desk, marking papers. The Wolfsbane was steaming in its goblet on the lab table. The silence was heavy.

“Thank you, Severus.”

No response, as usual. Remus drank down the foul potion and left the lab without trying to speak again.

*  
Another day, another confrontation with Severus. This was getting to be a pattern. Severus was convinced that Harry was up to something. “Something” was a vague term, but Severus was giving signs of obsession. Since Harry wasn’t really aware of Remus’ ties with his parents, Severus coming to him about Harry was almost funny. The fighting was really not funny.

*

Soon enough, the holiday was upon them. Students had left for home and the castle held mostly teachers and elves. Remus felt an intense loneliness this year. It had been a long time since he’d spent Christmas with other people. His parents were dead these many years, as were his closest friends. Having to spend the holiday here, with so many others, was a little overwhelming. Severus seemed to be taking advantage of the students’ absence to spend more time in the Dungeons and less time with the staff. He hadn’t been showing for most meals and Remus was left staring morosely at his empty place at the table. Albus and Minerva were full of good cheer and it only made Remus feel more alone. 

Remus recovered from this month’s transformation alone. Although Hogwarts was nearly empty, he just couldn’t face anyone while he was feeling so poorly. He noted that his only gift was a garish pair of socks from Albus. He hadn’t been expecting any gifts, but the presence of one just made the absence of others more obvious. He thought about the book he’d picked up for Severus and wondered if Severus’ Christmas morning was any better than his own. Somehow, he thought not. 

_Remus had spent most of his Christmas holiday with the Potter’s in sixth year. Sirius was already living there, since he had run away from home. Though the boys had spent all their time laughing and playing and planning pranks for their return to school, Remus was preoccupied. Every night when they lay down to sleep, all he could think of was Severus. He knew Severus was at Hogwarts. Maybe next time they had a holiday, Remus could convince his family to let him stay at school, too. Just thinking of Severus alone was depressing. Remus felt wretched that he hadn’t thought to buy anything for Severus for Christmas. His money was tight and he had already allotted the expenses for buying for his other friends and family before he realized how much he liked Severus. Now, all he could think of was Severus waking up on Christmas morning and thinking that Remus hadn’t cared. Remus swore to himself that next time he had a Christmas with Severus, he’d make sure to get him something nice._


	5. January

Remus found himself in the Apothecary this shopping trip. Surely, he could find something inexpensive here. Severus had ignored the Christmas gift, so maybe a Birthday gift would be accepted, too. He scanned the shelves in silence. Thinking about Severus inevitably brought a frown to his face. He was going to have to approach this with a new tactic. Severus was obviously the most stubborn man alive. Who would hold a grudge for sixteen years? Finally selecting an ingredient that he knew went toward the Wolfsbane, he finished his business and left the shop.

*

Remus found himself on the stairs to the Dungeon again. Every month, he had to make this trip. The Wolfsbane would be ready. Severus would be in his lab and he would gesture toward the goblet and refuse to speak to Remus, let alone look at him. It was difficult. Remus felt like a beggar having to go to Severus when Severus was so blatantly uncooperative. Remus was beginning to think that taking this position had been a mistake. Sirius was loose, Severus was hostile, and he himself was a werewolf. What had made him think this was a good idea? The pay. Right. A steady job. It really had been a long time since the last job. This was worth it. Sirius would be caught; Remus would eventually get through to Severus and the Wolfsbane kept the worst of the werewolf at bay. Remus convinced himself it was just post-holiday depression. The perfect complement to the holiday depression he had already suffered. And the pre-holiday depression he had experienced even earlier. It could just be depression. A depressed gay werewolf who was suffering from loneliness and trying to hide his condition. When did life get so complicated?

*

Another Thursday, another staff meeting. Since Remus had hit upon arriving last, he always sat beside Severus and Severus always ignored him. Remus kept his eyes flickering back and forth from Albus to Severus for most of the meeting. It was important that he appear to pay attention. Really, Albus was lucky he managed to appear to be awake. These meetings were interminable. Glancing at Severus again, Remus saw that he was reading through notes for what seemed to be lesson plans. Remus sat up a bit straighter and leaned toward Severus a little more, so he could read over his shoulder. Severus was making notes from a book. The very book that Remus had bought him for Christmas. He had kept it. He was using it. Remus felt a surge of hope.

When everyone else got up to leave the meeting, Remus carefully knocked over some of Severus’ papers. Finally, they were the last two in the room. Severus was glaring as he knelt to gather his belongings. Remus bent to assist.

“Sorry about that Severus. I guess I am clumsy today. I spilt tea on myself before breakfast, too.”

“I don’t care in the least about your morning fiasco Lupin. Just keep your elbows away from me and we’ll be fine.”

“Just my elbows, Severus?” Remus let his hand touch Severus’ as he passed him the last of his papers.

Severus looked at where their hands were touching. Rather than jerking away, he seemed to withdraw his hand in a very natural movement. Severus gathered the rest of his things from the table and paused.

“Your elbows seem to be the most offensive part this afternoon.” 

Severus looked up and eye contact was made for a few seconds before Severus turned and left the room without another word. Remus let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Severus hadn’t shut him down completely. Severus hadn’t insulted him within an inch of his life. Severus seemed to have almost been joking with him. Severus had allowed Remus to touch him, however small and brief. Maybe he was making progress.


	6. February

Remus was shaken. Sirius had been all the way in Harry’s dorm room this time. Not just in the castle, this was out of hand. He still couldn’t bring himself to go to Dumbledore. He knew it was the right thing to do, but his guilt was too great. All those years ago, Dumbledore had expected him to be a good prefect. Instead, he had let his friends get away with everything. He had let them get away with being unregistered Animagus. Going to Dumbledore now would be admitting to seventeen years of lying. Remus just couldn’t face the disappointment he knew he would see in Dumbledore’s eyes. He would just have to change his assigned hall patrols. He would patrol at night. He would be on guard. He would keep a watch for Sirius. Sirius might not have been the Secret Keeper if his friends had trusted Remus more. They had thought Remus was a spy. They had never forgotten his relationship with Severus. Knowing Severus had turned to the Death Eaters had somehow made Remus automatically suspicious in their eyes. Maybe they had thought that somehow Remus was maintaining contact with Severus. With Severus’ hatred after sixth year, Remus really couldn’t see how anyone thought they had kept in touch. But, his friends had suspected him. They hadn’t told him they were going into hiding. They hadn’t asked him to be their Secret Keeper. They had asked Sirius. And Sirius really was a spy.

*

“What is this? What do you think you’re playing at here Lupin?” Severus stormed into Remus’ office and threw an innocent looking envelope on the desk.

“It is a Valentine, Severus. I thought it would be friendly.”

“Friendly? Humiliating me in front of the students? What new manipulation is this?”

“Humiliating you? Why would a Valentine be humiliating? I was trying to be nice.”

“Send a Valentine for the ugly, greasy Potions Master to open in front of a bunch of snickering dunderheads? Nice?” Severus was almost shouting. Remus had no idea it would elicit this response. He had to get through to Severus. Months of tiptoeing around and approaching the situation from the side were not working. Let’s face it head on then.

“Severus. You are not ugly. Sure, you have the longest nose I have ever seen and it wouldn’t kill you to wash your hair…”

“Do not presume to comment on my personal hygiene!”

“But that does not mean you are ugly. You have the most amazing deep eyes and wonderful cheekbones. Severus, you aren’t ugly. You are interesting. That body armor you wear for robes accentuates how tall and slim you are. It makes you intriguing.”

Severus stood and stared. Remus thought for a moment that Severus might hex him. Then Severus whirled and nearly flew to the door in a swirling mass of billowing robes. Remus smirked.

“Do not send me any more Valentines!” Severus threw over his shoulder as he left the room.

Remus smiled at Severus’ dramatic exit. Shaking his head and looking at his desk, he grinned even broader when he saw that Severus had taken the Valentine with him.

**

Remus was startled when his floo burst into action. Severus called him to come to his office immediately. Remus arrived in short order and was then startled anew. Clutched in Severus’ hand was The Map. He barely heard the question and explanation Severus was giving him. He caught enough to realize that Harry had The Map.

“Full of Dark magic?” Remus could not keep his thoughts in order. He had to think quickly and get his hands on that Map.

“You don’t think it more likely that he got it directly from the manufacturers?”

Severus could not possibly know what he was suggesting. Remus was thinking furiously. Harry could not have gotten The Map from the manufacturers. Surely Severus didn’t know who made The Map? Surely Severus wasn’t saying Harry got The Map from Remus? Remus was still trying to figure out how Harry got The Map. It had been gone for so long… Remus had been sure it was destroyed long ago. 

Ron ran into the room and more confusion was afoot. Remus managed to get The Map from Severus. He was actually holding it in his hand again. The Map. It was like a little piece of James and Peter were still alive; it was like Sirius was still his best friend. Remus could scarcely breathe. Severus left in a huff and Remus stared down at the parchment in his hand. It was The Map. He clutched it, trying not to wrinkle it. He couldn’t let it go again.

“I can’t let you have it back Harry.”

Remus gave Harry his best Teacher speech about following the rules. He threw in a little Best Friend of Your Dead Parents speech about keeping safe. He wanted Harry to understand how dangerous it was for Sirius to be after him. After Harry left his office, he just sat and stared at The Map. Thinking. Remembering.


	7. March

All they did was argue. Every time they were in the same room something set off another confrontation. Remus was beginning to think up new arguments even when they weren’t together! Severus refused to let the past stay in the past. He refused to let Remus explain anything. At this point, Remus just wanted to have a conversation for a change. Fighting all the time was wearing him down. And it was making him rather uncomfortable. They last several times they had fought, Remus had left the situation feeling more than a little disconcerted with his own reactions. He couldn’t deny it any longer, arguing with Severus was starting to turn him on.

Today was no different. Right now, Remus couldn’t even remember what this argument was about. Severus was glaring and looming. For a moment, Remus just stared at Severus. He wanted so badly to just kiss him. But Severus hadn’t forgiven or forgotten. Severus would hex him. Remus felt the tug in his belly that urged him to touch Severus. It would only take two steps. He could have his hands in Severus’ hair and his lips against Severus’ mouth. Just two steps.

Severus spun and stalked away.

Remus hung his head in defeat and regret.

*

“Severus, don’t you think this is getting old? We are grown men, not teenage boys.”

“Lies are lies, whether you are young or old. You lied to me. You hid things from me.”

“I was a werewolf! Do you think I just went around telling everyone that?”

“Those miscreants you called friends knew! I thought we were friends!”

“We were friends. We were more than friends. I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. I have lived all of my life with this secret. My parents kept it from their friends. They interviewed with Dumbledore a year before I even received my letter. He promised them he’d do what he could. He did, he made a place for me here. He accepted me and helped me keep my secret. Only He, Minerva, and Poppy knew. My friends found out on their own in second year. I didn’t tell them! I have never told anyone!”

“I trusted you!”

Remus could hardly breathe. Wasn’t I just in this position last week? Remus had never wanted to touch someone as badly as he wanted to touch Severus right now. He could feel his body almost tilting toward Severus against his will. Severus was still angry. Remus knew that. He knew that pushing his suit could be disastrous. But he was tired of pretending. He was tired of waiting. He was tired of regretting.

Remus took those two steps. He pushed his hands into Severus’ hair and kissed him firmly. He felt Severus stiffen and start to pull away. Remus just moved one hand to Severus’ back and pressed. For one terrible moment, Remus thought that Severus would break the kiss and flee. Then, suddenly, Severus relaxed and sighed. As Severus’ mouth opened that small amount, Remus plunged in and deepened the kiss. He thrust his tongue against Severus’ and skimmed the roof of his mouth and the edges of his teeth. Severus responded heatedly. Remus leaned closer in and pressed the length of his entire front against Severus. The kiss went on. Remus started to worry about oxygen. Was it worth it? Would he rather break the kiss to breathe or just keep on snogging Severus? It had been so long since he’d held Severus in his arms like this. He wanted to never let go. Finally, he could wait no longer. He ended the kiss slowly and leaned his forehead against Severus’ and tried to breathe without panting.

“Trust me again.”

Severus sighed and turned away. “Remus. I don’t know if I can.”

*

 

Yet another long trek to the Dungeons. Severus had avoided him at meals since he kissed him. There hadn’t been a staff meeting, so Remus hadn’t had the opportunity to force himself into Severus’ presence. The stairs ended and Remus began the trip down the hallway. Remus wondered if he could coerce Severus into conversation during this month’s visit. The lab door was ajar. He knocked and pushed it open. Severus was not there. The Wolfsbane smoked in a goblet on the long table. Remus sighed. Severus was going to extremes to avoid him. He walked to the table and noticed the goblet was not alone. Beside it was a wrapped package adorned only with the name “Lupin” in Severus’ distinctive spiky scrawl. Remus was intrigued. He drank down the Wolfsbane and sat on a stool to open the gift. It was a book. “Uncommon Defense: A Guide to Unusual Uses for Every Day Spells” Severus had remembered his birthday. Remus smiled.


	8. April

Remus allowed himself to think about that night in the tunnel of the Shrieking Shack in sixth year. He tried to keep that awful memory from his mind most times. But for now, he let that horror wash over him again. That one night had changed his life so much. He had hopes and dreams before then. He had a deep friendship and a tender start to something more. One night had ruined it all. The intervening years had softened the pain. The first few years, he had actually believed he was over it; over Severus. Over the anger he had felt for Sirius’ stupidity. After James, Lily and Peter were dead, after Sirius was in Azkaban, he had felt the hollowness again. Since then, he had never been able to pretend that the Severus shaped hole in his heart was filled. 

Now, he had a new chance. A fresh start for friendship and love with the man he had given his heart to so many years ago. He just had to figure out how to keep this start developing into more.  
Today’s staff meeting was a perfect chance to get closer to Severus. Severus would never make a scene in front of the whole staff. He was too proud; he’d never embarrass himself. 

When Remus arrived in the Teacher Room, Severus was seated with his notes spread on the table. As usual, there was an empty chair right beside him. Remus slid into the empty seat and clasped his hands in his lap. He was extra careful to keep his eyes on Albus throughout the meeting. As long as he watched Albus, he would see if his actions were noticed. While Albus rambled on about more boring curriculum, Remus slid his hand into Severus’ lap. He slowly stroked Severus’ thigh with his fingertips. He couldn’t help but smile inside. He was touching Severus and he was getting away with it. Severus couldn’t call too much attention to Remus’ actions without everyone finding out what was going on. Remus risked a few glances at Severus, just enough to know that Severus face was tight and his eyes were narrowed, but he was staring straight at Albus as well and didn’t seem about to call Remus on the carpet. Remus kept his hand on Severus’ leg the throughout the meeting. When it was finally ending, Severus spoke.

“Lupin, I need to speak with you. Could you stay back a moment?”

“Of course I can Severus. I am always happy to speak with you.”

After everyone had cleared the room, Severus looked right at Remus.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“Just letting you know I am here. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you to think about me. Were you thinking about me, Severus?”

“Yes, I was thinking about you. I was thinking about wringing your foolish neck before the whole school could figure out what you were doing!”

Remus stepped closer to Severus. He pressed himself directly into Severus’ personal space. He leaned in closely and breathed deeply. Severus stood more stiffly than before, but didn’t pull away.

“I want you Severus. I don’t really care who knows anymore.”

Remus moved those last few inches and pressed his mouth to Severus’. He was not about to let another opportunity pass him by. He flicked his tongue out and slid it along Severus’ bottom lip. Remus lifted his hand and slipped his fingers into Severus’ hair, cupping the back of his head and tugging him closer. Severus finally relented and leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth. Remus took full advantage. Soon, he was kissing Severus with more passion than he had since they were students. Remus’ other hand started to stroke along Severus’ thigh again. He moved it in long slow strokes, reaching a little higher with each upward movement. Soon, he was ghosting his fingertips along the hardness in Severus’ trousers. He broke the kiss so he could slide his mouth down Severus’ neck.

“I want you. It has been too long since I could even hope to think of you as mine. I haven’t forgotten what it was like with us then.”

“Remus. Oh, do that again. Remus, I want you too.”

“Soon Severus. I can’t wait much longer.”

Remus kissed Severus’ mouth once more and moved away. Severus straightened his robes and cleared his throat. Remus smiled at him widely.

“Soon Severus.”

And Remus turned and left the staff room.


	9. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter NC-17.

Remus was nervous. They hadn’t gotten this far as teenagers. He’d been with others since, male and female alike, but he’d never been with Severus. 

Fingers fumbled over buttons. Remus closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. _Get hold of yourself, Lupin. Yes, it’s Severus, but you are no inexperienced virgin here. Do it properly._ Remus exhaled and opened his eyes. He looked straight at Severus’ placket. There had to be a thousand buttons there. He groaned, but he didn’t fumble again. He slowly and carefully undid each button. Severus’ hands in the meantime had made quick work of Remus’ robes and shirtfront. Soon they were both bared to the waist and hands were skimming along skin that was warm and smooth. Remus could barely breathe from the feel of Severus’ hands on his back. He could hardly believe they were finally at this point. Severus stepped in closer and Remus’ hands were trapped between Severus’ chest and his own. Their mouths came together again. Their tongues were thrusting and twining, slipping and stroking. Remus pushed Severus away enough to slid his hands down to the waistband of Severus’ trouser. Severus immediately responded in kind. Pants were shoved and tugged over hips and thighs and tangled around ankles at the floor. Bodies pressed into one another and erections touched without the layers of fabric between. 

Remus suddenly couldn’t wait any longer. He grabbed Severus by the waist, spun them around and pressed Severus’ back to the bed. He laid his whole body against Severus’ long naked length and they kissed again. Remus shifted and slid one thigh between Severus’ legs and they both began to thrust gently. The feeling was amazing. Remus kissed along the edge of Severus’ jaw and around to his ear. He nibbled the earlobe and sucked it before swirling his tongue around the outer shell. Severus moaned and rubbed Remus’ taut nipples with his thumbs. Remus kissed his way down Severus neck and paused at his collarbone to place small bites and then lick over them. He kissed and laved his way to Severus’ nipples and gave them the same attention. He could feel Severus’ smooth thrusting movements turn into erratic bucking against the hollow of his hip. Severus’ hands moved into Remus’ hair and he tugged Remus’ head up until he could look in his eyes.

“Soon, if not before then, Remus.”

“Right.”

Remus grabbed his wand from the bedside table and muttered the necessary spells for preparation. Severus adjusted their legs until Remus was kneeling above with both of his legs between Severus’. Remus took another moment to pause and breathe. This was really happening. He was really with Severus. Remus reached between their bodies again and started stroking Severus’ erection. Severus groaned and thrust. Remus shifted and felt his cock nudging Severus’ tight opening. Remus pressed forward slowly and could not hold in the groan of pleasure at the warmth he was entering. 

“Tell me Severus, tell me when it’s right.”

Remus sheathed himself completely and then started stroking slowly in and out. The pressure was exquisite. He shifted each stroke to be at a slightly different angle. Searching for the right place, wanting to make this as good for Severus as possible. Suddenly Severus gasped and clutched his own hand around his erection, almost pushing Remus’ hand out of the way.

“There. Remus, just there, like that.”

Remus moved both his hands to Severus’ hips and held firmly. He moved with long, sure, even strokes until he could no longer control himself. The soft sounds that came from Severus made this perfect. Gasps and moans that Remus could feel stoking his own arousal. Remus sped up, no longer able to maintain the rhythm he had set initially. All too soon, Severus had finished and clinched so tightly that Remus had as well. Remus slipped from Severus’ body and lay beside him on the bed. Remus allowed one of his fingers to trace trails in the slick wet on Severus’ stomach.

Severus was starting to shift uncomfortably against him. Remus knew that meant Severus was starting to think too much. Remus rose above Severus again and started to kiss him.

“This was perfect, Severus. I can’t believe we never did this when we were younger.”

“There was hardly a chance for this Remus. Things were over between us so quickly. They had really barely begun.”

Remus sighed and pressed his forehead to Severus’. There was too much opportunity for regret still when dealing with the past. It was far better to keep this as grounded in the present as they could.

“Then, I’ll just say that I am so glad we did this now.”

Severus turned his face and hid it in Remus’ throat. Remus had to strain to hear him agree.


	10. June

Remus stood completely still for a second or two. He could not believe what he was seeing on the Marauder’s Map. It was Sirius, and Peter; dead Peter, who wasn’t dead. And murderer Sirius, who wasn’t a murderer.

His head was spinning, but he moved with purpose. He headed straight for the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. When he arrived, there was chaos. He knew he had to keep order; he was the adult, the teacher. Through the ensuing shouting and threatening, Remus maintained his calm. He could not believe how bad Sirius looked after all these years. He was surprised to realize that Hermione had kept his secret. Not surprised that she knew, but he thought she would have told Harry and Ron. Somehow, they arrived at a solution. Peter would go to Azkaban and Sirius would be cleared. They just had to get the children and themselves back to the castle. They had to get Peter in his human form, they had to keep Sirius out of sight as long as possible, they had to work with an injured Ron and a suspicious Hermione. There were just too many ways this could go wrong. And then it did.

An invisibility cloak went flying and Severus was there. Severus was shouting and threatening. Severus was not listening. As a matter of fact, Severus was practically foaming at the mouth. Remus had never seen him so angry. He was completely out of control. Remus knew Severus never lost control. But, Severus was determined to kill Sirius, and Remus could not let that happen. Sirius was not guilty. He knew it was going to look like he was choosing Sirius over Severus, but he really had no choice. He could not let Severus kill an innocent man. Or turn him over to the Dementors. That was tantamount to murder in itself. Suddenly, Remus was confined in magical ropes and the shouting escalated until the children, _the children_ , had taken over the situation and Severus was unconscious! 

Everything was happening at once. Remus was freed, Peter was forced out of his animagus form, there was talking and planning and it was all said in chorus, with dissenting voices overwhelmed. Remus understand one thing clearly through the shouting; Harry was not going to let them kill Peter, no matter that he deserved death. They started out through the tunnel with Peter chained and Severus unconscious. After that, Remus lost track. He had rushed to the Shrieking Shack that night without taking his potion. Remus’ entire world narrowed to the width of the full moon.

*  
“Severus, please. I will leave the school peacefully. I knew in my heart that this position would be temporary anyway. But, please, don’t let this come between us again.”

“There is no _us_ , Lupin. There is me, a former spy and a teacher who has to protect his students. And there is you, a werewolf who endangers the children and helps crazed murderers go free.”

Remus could see the hatred that burned renewed in Severus face. There would be no turning back this time. Severus would never forgive him again. Remus knew that, but he had to try anyway.

“He is not a crazed murderer. Peter Pettigrew was in the Shack. I saw him myself. Sirius is innocent!”

“Believe whatever you want Lupin. You have never seen Black for the danger he truly is, not before and not now. There is no _us_. Just leave.”

“Severus, what we have worked through this year should not be shunted aside. I care for you. You care for me. We are making something here that could be wonderful. Please.”

“You care for Sirius Black. I was mistaken to think I could trust you again. Yes, it was pleasant to relieve some tension, but that is all it was. A short lived physical encounter. Nothing more. Now go.”

And that was that. Remus saw that there was no other choice. He returned to his chambers to finish packing.

*  
As Remus boarded a specially scheduled Hogwarts Express for London, he looked behind him. It was too much to hope for, but he had to look. As long as he lived, he would feel this tug for Severus in his heart. He would always look around for him. This pain and loneliness could be born as long as he kept hope in his heart. Fifteen years ago, he had given up. With his friends dead and Sirius imprisoned, Remus had stopped trying. But this past year had shown him that things could be better. With enough work and enough belief, changes could be made. He would never completely give up hope again. After all, some things worked out. Sirius was free, not a free man, but free of Azkaban and the Dementors. If Sirius could be innocent and escape, then anything was possible. One day, he would look around and Severus would be there. Ready to listen. In the meantime, he had to find another place to be. Alone.


End file.
